- (via c-isnenegro)
So I made this blog for when I’m sad. So that I have a safe place to reblog and post all of the REAL things I’m feeling. So basically its a “depression blog” but its all for me, not to get popular or anything like that. Not that I am popular. I have 4 followers haha. But thats good. So with that introduction, heres whats I actually wanted to talk about; my depression specifically.
I’ve been struggling with depression since November 2012, so a bit over a year. I think I already gad problems before that, but they were dormant. Then something happened and *bam* the explosion happened and all that shit. I’ve been self harming since around then, I actually started in October. I don’t really know why I started. It just felt right and I felt calm and kind of better afterwards. But then in November everything got worse. (skip to the next paragraph if you don’t care about my story) I haven’t really told the full story before but I suppose I will now. (Warning: its really dumb). I was starting to get new into things and I was wanting/ planning to smoke weed. My boyfriend at the time was a huge stoner and he kinda influenced me but it was fully my choice and I wanted to do it. But my bestfriend was extremely against it. And one day I told her I was “busy” and she thought I was trying weed when really I was only busy making out with my boyfriend. So after that we got in a HUGE fight that lasted like 2 days of non- stop arguing and then, we were no longer friends. I forgot how many months it was for, but we stopped talking. It started my depression and it was strong for many many monthes. I eventually became friends again with her but I still struggled. And then I think I got better for a little while ( I have a very very bad memory so I cant remember things a lot). Basically it was on and off constantly. I was happy but I was not at the same time. I believe that the boyfriend I had also caused me to struggle a lot because he was angry at me for beind depressed and self harming. He was a shitty boyfriend and it made me worse. At the end of my 8th grade year I cut again and he was so so angry with me and it caused us to fight. We got over it quickly but then soon after I did something really really dumb (like really dumb). It was only that me and my bestfriend were fucking around and blowing up condoms. I took a picture and sent it to my boyfriend and thats when he stopped talking to me. He thought I was stupid and I wasn’t being careful and that his parents might see. So he was pissed. I talked to him once more before he left me wondering what we were for 2 and a half months while on summer break. It ruined my summer. I spent every day crying in my room, depressed, hurting myself and wondering why he was doing this to me. But eventually summer came to an end and my first year of high school started. Thats when I met a boy. An amazing perfect boy. Thats when I finally said “fuck it” and I sent my ex the text that we were done and I was tired of waiting. And now I have an amazing boyfriend. We’ve been together for about 8 months now. But I still struggle.
This is the part that mostly wanted to get to. I feel like theres maybe more than just my depression. I don’t know. For these eight months I’ve been going through extreme highs and lows constantly. I’m amazing for a few months then I relapse and everything horrible for a week or two and then I’m okay again. It might sound ridiculous, or it might be normal. I don’t know. But I’m just realizing this now. This pattern. It’s kinda annoying. Thats all I really had to say. I just wanted to get my thoughts out. I also struggle with anxiety, panic attacks, health problems, and an irrational fear which only cause more panic attacks.
It pisses me off when people are so against the depression accounts. Like I’m sorry you get to go out with friends, have fun, and blog about how great your day was. Some of us are actually trying to survive while we’re up at 3 AM and all we can do is use Tumblr to find people who relate to us. So I’m sorry if our blogs don’t meet your expectations. We have them for ourselves, not anyone else. So a big FUCK YOU. That’s all.
School just really sucks cause they take this wonderful concept of learning and discovering new things and just completely ruin it with the atmosphere of judgement and suppression of creativity and strict deadlines and basing your intelligence on a letter and wow you ruined it nice job
The woods/ forrest make me so happy. Its so calm and quiet and theres no one else there. I can breathe and feel free. Its such a happy place. I haven’t been anywhere with woods in a few years and i miss it so much. Northern AZ has some perfect woods. I’m all the way done in North Phoenix though. I haven’t been camping in soo long. I wish i could go.